I wanted to title this article “Holding our Kids”, but I opted for boundaries because the workd may be more relatable for most. But at the end of the day when I talk about boundaries, I mean how we hold our child so they understand and feel safe within their world.
When I became a parent I didn’t want to have an authoritarian approach (eg. “you do as I say”), I wanted to be a gentle, calm and loving mother that my child would feel safe to be themselves with. However, I slowly realised (by my 2nd child, who is extremely strong-willed) that creating consistent and clear boundaries is very important for your child’s wellbeing and connection with others. I was a bit reluctant to change my style of parenting that I had envisioned for myself, however I began to realise that kids are very wired to get what they want and learn quickly how to push your buttons for that to happen.
Providing boundaries are important for a kid to understand how to be in this world, expectations from others and that they cannot always get what they want. It is very important for a child to have structure around them to feel safe in this world. Maggie Dent explained it very well, using the analogy of a bridge. If we cross a high bridge without side fences it can feel quite scary. However, if we cross that same bridge, but with side fences, all of a sudden, we can feel safe to cross.
This can be how children explore the world. We all need fences to know where we can go and how far we can take things. Kids will always push boundaries as a way to explore the world and to know how far they can go.
Many things can happen when a child does not have boundaries;
* A child may feel anxious, unsure and unsafe in the world without the structure.
* They may not respect others’ boundaries, which can bring up social challenges.
* They can throw tantrums when the boundaries are inconsistent and not clear.
* They may have emotional difficulties.
* They get confused in how they are meant to be, especially in social interactions.
* Kids can feel overwhelmed and anxious and may engage in control strategies to feel safe in their environment.
So, creating boundaries helps to hold our children so they know what is expected and how to be in this world to feel safe. Being consistent with these boundaries is also important otherwise the child will become confused and act out.
When I became clearer and consistent with boundaries for my strong-willed daughter, it actually allowed for her to shine at school and grow in confidence and capability. It was also important for me to not crush her beautiful creative spirit and leaderships qualities, but to help her to be a kind and compassionate individual within this.
And trust me…. I don’t always get this right, but I try as best as I can to parent from my heart and internal wisdom of what is right for my child…